Obviously the first thing that comes to mind of Japan is not how inhumane they treated us in World War II. You think of all their weird porn, weird fetishes, weird inventions, weird merchandises, weird behaviours, weird trends, weird people, weird food, and everything else that can be weirded out.
I would have loved to share their weird porn videos with you, because I know how much everyone likes that kind of shit but alas, I fear that I might be fired if I did so. (I am already getting away with words like ‘shit’ and ‘ass’.) Therefore, I present to you the second best weird thing in Japan; Commercial videos of big-time Hollywood celebrities that were stupid enough to accept commercial deals from Japanese advertisement companies.
Here, Steven Seagal shows you how back-breakingly exhausting it is to take down a skinny stranger two times smaller than you.
Can you imagine how this commercial idea was proposed?
(Note: Best read with a Japanese accent.)
Japanese Man 1: “So how we sell this air-con telling our customers how good it is and everything like that?”
Japanese Man 2: “ORHHHHHHHHHHHH! Maybe get big, buff, white Hulk wrestler to sing days of week song then lie down and smile at baby!”
Japanese Man 1: “HAI HAI HAI! Most best idea Mr. Bukkake! Sure we can make many money with that!”
Awesomeness consists of Ben Stiller, white adoring chicks, getting frozen by Mr. Freeze’s ice gun because Mr Freeze hates lemons, and a rampaging football team. This absolutely gets the viewers jumping out of their seats and rushing to the supermarts to swipe these lemon, lime sodas off the shelves.
So Sir Dragonheart found true love in a bottle of whiskey which he pours into a cup and tenderly sips at the rim. What a beautiful story. This goes to show that you can find love in all places. Some might find it in the pleasures of tentacle porn or autoerotic asphyxiation, but when Sean Connery had to make the ultimate decision between his Doberman and the whiskey for erotic pleasure, he chose the whiskey. Good choice Sean Connery!
I plunged myself into deep research about what SANKYO is about after having viewed this commercial, and by that, I mean that I Wiki-ed it. I have deduced that Nicholas Cage was crooning away about pachinko machines, which is what SANKYO manufactures. A Pachinko is a mechanical game comparable to a slot machine. It seems as though Nicholas Cage is truly in love with it. Just observe the way he is humping the piano and yelling out “Pachinko-ohhhhhhhh! Yeah!” when he reached his climax. This is the best acting that I have ever seen coming from him.
The Japanese seem to be crazy about Arnold at one point of time and the Japanese advertising companies all fought to book him for commercials. He’s apparently so awesome to the Japanese that the commercials he star in does not have to make sense, or be related to anything at all for the companies to sell their products. Even Sylvester Stallone’s speech is more coherent than the commercials Arnold appeared in.
Ah. The whole combining of small thingamajigs into a giant thingy that fits together perfectly never gets old for the Japanese. Better yet when Arnold is part of it with some random Japanese chick, the product will be as good as out of stock the second the commercial is released.
Arnold restores his energy by shoving cup noodles into his mouth after doing a weird style of the robot. Next time if you’re going to be doing the robot, remember to bring Nissin’s cup noodles along to replenish your energy.
Arnold dancing again to the same brand of cup noodles, this time fashionably decked in a traditional Japanese costume made from 100% whale muscle.
Of course, they couldn’t resist. They had to have a scene where Arnold turns up as the terminator, a sophisticated robot sent back through time to... down 3 cans of coffee.
Wtf were these celebrities thinking? They can try as hard as they can to forget that they have ever done these commercials but it will always come back to haunt them just as long as the internet does not become obsolete one day.