Published on Thursday, 18 April 2013 00:00
These laudable geniuses have been dead for a long time but their legacies and the commendable deeds they have done still live on in history textbooks. What the history books have failed to mention though, is that these men have sick, perverted fetishes that may or may not detract your opinions of them.
1. Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein was crowned Person of the Century by Time magazine. To give a simple example of how incredibly intelligent he was; in modern speech, the word ‘genius’ can be interchangeable for ‘Einstein’. He is the most famous scientist to have ever walked on the face of the earth. Amongst many other smarty-pants stuff, he developed the general theory of relativity, convinced Franklin D. Roosevelt to build the atomic bomb, was offered the opportunity to become the first president in Israel (which he turned down), and is considered the big daddy of modern physics.
Albert Einstein was a rampaging philanderer when he wasn’t spending his time hypothesizing the hell out of everything possible.
He was married twice, the second time to his cousin, and on both accounts, he cheated on them with about 10 different women. Though in his defense, he did give his first wife a set of rules to follow, one of which was "expect neither intimacy nor fidelity."
Before Einstein married his cousin, Elsa, he apparently almost got hitched to her 22 year old daughter instead. Like his theory of relativity, Einstein conceptualized his own theory of female family bonding. When he was younger, he also did the nasty with Elsa’s sister, which he then defended himself to Elsa in a letter saying, “You can't blame me; we were young and she was willing.”
In other non-incest related news, he was also discovered to have did it with his best friend’s niece.
Of course when he had so much seed to spread, he would most definitely have colossal balls. Einstein would constantly write to his wife and stepdaughter about which women he was currently boning, and occasionally would have his stepdaughter act as a messenger to deliver letters to his mistresses, because when you have balls the size of a mammoths’, you would naturally tend to not give a damn.
2. Winston Churchill
Sir Winston Churchill is widely regarded as one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century, he was Britain’s prime minister and first lord of the admiralty during World War II. Churchill was a noted statesman and orator, an officer in the British Army, a historian, a writer, and an artist. It is no wonder that he is the only British prime minister to have received the Nobel Prize in Literature and the first person to have ever been made an Honorary Citizen of the United States. Like all influential and intellectual people, he enjoyed his fair share of alcohol and cigars.
Winston Churchill took pleasure in walking around stark naked, parading his man tits and his set of twig and berries to both the staff and foreign dignitaries.
Anyone who walked into Churchill’s office could risk seeing him in his birthday suit happily cantering around and conducting the nation’s affairs with his purple-headed warrior swaying about.
His naked shenanigans were not just limited to the staff, Franklin D. Roosevelt and his son Elliot were unfortunate to have seen his weird habit. Roosevelt walked in on a nude Churchill only to have Churchill remark to Roosevelt’s bewildered reaction, “You see, Mr. President, I have nothing to hide.” While Elliot, who answered to Churchill’s request to meet with him, walked into his office and to his horror, found Churchill dictating a letter to his secretary completely naked, smoking a cigar.
When Churchill visited the White House, he made a point of boycotting any form of clothing while he was in his room, oblivious to the stream of appalled staff that came in to attend to him while desperately avoiding looking directly at him.
3. Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin is the face of the hundred dollar note in the United States of America. How he got his face printed on that was by being one of the Founding Fathers of U.S.A. Besides that, Franklin was a leading author, printer, political theorist, politician, postmaster, scientist, musician, inventor, satirist, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. He invented the lightning rod, bifocal spectators, the Franklin stove, a carriage odometer, and the glass harmonica. He facilitated many civic organizations, including a fire department and a university. Before his death, he pushed for anti-slave legislation. In other words, Franklin was Mr. Can-Never-Do-Wrong-Super-Awesome-Righteous-Dude.
Benjamin Franklin liked to bang old women.
In a 1745 letter to a younger acquaintance, Franklin advised that banging old, dusty poonanis is the best thing in the world, because all these old coochies are more discreet, more experienced and less likely to get pregnant with that shrivelled up uterus of theirs. Also, you will be doing them a service by fulfilling their old women lust and cob-webbed twats.
Or in his own words, “... I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones ... Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience ... Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion ... and lastly they are so grateful.”
He went on to say how redundant it is to choose a pretty mistress because all women look the same from the waist down, which is the only part that really matters.
“Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one.”
Great advice Franklin! Cover an old woman’s head with a basket and do the nasty with her. It’s all the same anyway.
4. Charlie Chaplin
Charlie Chaplin taught the whole world how to laugh back then when everyone were miserable bastards. Do not be fooled by his goofy stage makeup, this man was a handsome devil back in the days.
Aside from having boyish good looks, Chaplin is one of the most instantly recognizable film stars of all time. He is the icon of humour and comedy. He was a British comic actor and filmmaker who rose to fame in the silent film era.
Charlie Chaplin attempted to bang every single female living thing on the planet. He held sex orgies and sexually harassed women by throwing pies in their faces.
Chaplin was a sex fiend, he organized orgies with fellow comic actor, Fatty Arbuckle who looked like a baby-faced ogre most famous for being accused of raping a woman to death but was never convicted.
Chaplin was also supposedly the first person to implement the casting couch method of auditioning new young actresses. Being the silent film era, he would flash caption cards to the girls to prompt them into various actions and poses that would steadily grow increasingly suggestive until they were standing there stark naked, which Chaplin would then start groping them in an exaggerated fashion. For the finale, he would line them up against the wall, still naked, and throw pies at them for a delightfully hilarious ending.
5. Mahatma Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi is one of the most prominent spiritual leaders in history and responsible for leading India to independence through the employment of non-violent civil disobedience which in turn inspired movements for non-violence, civil rights and freedom across the world.
Sweet, old, little Gandhi, who selflessly went on a hunger strike to free India, was revered as a holy man with his benevolent smile and Mother Theresa-like ways.
Mahatma Gandhi slept in a pile of naked women.
Gandhi did take a vow of celibacy when he was 37, however the rules of celibacy did not indicate that he was not allowed to encourage young women to sleep in the nude with him. Thus, he made up his own rules (like how people with religions make up their own) and slept on a bed of naked women until he was well into his 70s. Sounds like an Indian version of Hugh Hefner.
He defended himself by claiming that this was merely an extension of his vow, intended to test his pious restraint. According to his own rules that he made up, the women that slept naked with him are not even allowed to sleep with their own husbands, yet they were required to participate in his creepy slumber parties, which included not only sleeping naked with Gandhi, but also bathing with him and giving him sexy stripteases. This actually makes a lot of sense, because the path to enlightenment and purity is to have women shake their lovely, luscious boobies in your face.
That is not even the best part. The thing that takes the cake is that time when Gandhi took his 18 year old grandniece on a spiritual trip with him to Bengal and instructed her to join in with his personal pile of naked women for the entire duration of their stay, he explained this away by telling her that they might be killed any time by angry Muslims. That’s right! Angry ninja Muslims are going to sneak into the room and kill all of their butt-nakedness for no rhyme or reason.
These are the men that we all held in such high regard for the great things that they have accomplished. Let’s give them a round of applause!