Published on Monday, 27 May 2013 00:00
Everyone is familiar with the story of Sleeping Beauty. Or at least the censored version of it. The original version is not told so often for a reason. A really disturbing reason.
Once upon a time...
At the christening of a king and queen’s long anticipated child, seven fairies were invited down to be the little princess’s godmothers. When the time came for the fairies to offer their gifts, the first six blessed her with beauty, wit, grace, dance, song and ability of musical instruments. When the last fairy was about to present the princess with her gift, an old fairy came bursting into the palace with eyes ablaze. The old fairy had been overlooked and was pissed as hell that she was not invited. You know the saying; hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So the old fairy in all her wrath cursed the princess to die upon pricking her hand on a spindle. And I would imagine that she flew out of a window cackling evilly. The remaining fairy who had yet to offer her gift because she had been so rudely interrupted by that old hag, used her gift to partially reverse the wicked fairy’s curse, so now instead of the princess dying, she will fall into a deep sleep for 100 years and be awoken by a prince.
First of all, I would like to say how extremely childish the wicked fairy was. Secondly, why the hell did she have to curse the baby? It’s a baby for God’s sake! She’s an innocent child and didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this treatment. The old fairy obviously still had a lot of growing up to do. I mean, what she could have done in retaliation was to at most not invite the king and queen down for celebrations held at her house right? Really, this goes to show that age does NOT beget wisdom.
So after that whole fiasco, the king tried to prevent anything untoward from happening to his perfect daughter even though her future had already been predicted. He made a decree throughout the entire kingdom that should anyone own a spindle or a spinning wheel, they will be executed. Kind of like Singapore and the death penalty for drug traffickers. Everything was hunky-dory for around 15 to 16 years and the princess grew up to be a hot, sexy thing with raging hormones. One day while the sexy princess was exploring the palace rooms, she stumbled across an old lady spinning on a wheel. The princess was curious and attempted the task only to prick her finger and fall daintily to the floor. Now I have no idea how on earth she managed to prick her finger, she had to be very stupid to think that the sharp end of the needle goes into her skin. But in her defence, she had never seen a spinning wheel before so her ignorance can be mildly forgiven.
The king and queen soon found out about the tragedy and laid their precious princess down on a bed of gold-and-silver embroidered fabric. The fairy who altered the evil prophecy was summoned down and foresaw that the princess would be distraught if she were to wake up a hundred years later and find herself alone. In all her righteous glory, the fairy cast a spell on everyone in the castle to fall asleep for as long as the princess sleeps. The enchantment also came free of charge with a forest of trees, brambles and thorns that sprung up around the castle, shielding it from the outside world and preventing anyone from disturbing the princess.
A hundred years passed after the princess pricked her finger and fell into a deep slumber. The vines that obscured the castle started to bloom thousands and thousands of luscious red roses. A dashing prince who was on a hunting expedition spies the hidden castle and rides towards it on his white horse.
After a century, it would only be natural if the original tragedy of the kingdom got all convoluted. His attendants tell him various accounts regarding the happenings in the castle until an old man recounts his father's words: within the castle lies a beautiful princess who is doomed to sleep for a hundred years, whereupon a king's son is to come and awaken her.
The handsome prince then mentally prepared himself to climb across the palace walls and its thorny vines in a bid to save the fair princess, but fortunately for him, he didn’t have to do much work as the foliage parted at his approach.
The prince walked past sleeping castle folks and came across the chamber where the pretty princess lay…
Stunned by her beauty, the prince falls to his knees and gives her True Love’s kiss, the most magical thing in the world apparently. The enchantment was lifted once the prince gently brushed his lips against hers. She and the rest of the kingdom awaken. It was love at first sight for the both of them, so much love that they decided to screw courtship and wed almost immediately. The princess went on to bear him two children and they lived happily ever after.
Stunned by her hotness, the prince gets an instant hard-on and proceeds to rape her. Boy, that escalated quickly. After nine months, she gave birth to two children while she was still asleep. One of her children mistook her finger for a nipple and sucks on it, removing the piece of flax that was keeping her asleep. Something the palace folks should have tried to do in the first place before requesting the fairy to put them all to sleep. Dumb asses. The spell broke and the princess along with the entire castle awake after a hundred years of snoring and sleep farting to find herself raped and a mother of two. The moral of the story is that girls shouldn’t wait for handsome princes on white horses to save them because they might just be rapists.