Man Shares Hilariously Disgusting Story of How He Grew Up in a Family Who Used a “Poop Knife”

poop knife
Some unfortunate souls go through life thinking that the family customs they grew up with are also practiced by other households, until a reality check in the real world reveal how they are weirdos, like this man who only realized at the age of 22 that not every household has a “poop knife”.
There are some pretty outlandish things out there in the internet and the dark web, so whether the following story is true or a load of bullshit spun just to garner attention is up to anyone’s guess. Nonetheless, we can’t fathom how this can be made up. With no further ado, here is the viral story that has been creating waves on Reddit.
I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.
Submitted by LearnedButt

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
If this mortifying anecdote is true, we are both horrified and impressed by the gargantuan bricks of shit that this man and his family regularly churn out that do not break off in chunks. Apparently if this guy is to be believed, their slabs of crap are so colossal and intact that they have to slice it up in the toilet bowl.

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